I stared back at the 28 faces  of my classmates and my professor. I faintly heard the professor’s voice come through my ear buds as she shared the order of presentations by group. Our group decided to go first. We were in an advanced Stats class for those majoring in Statistics (smart people). As I waited for my turn to present, a lump in my throat formed, then butterflies. My thoughts raced with concerns like, ‘my friends are in this group’, ‘I am confident in what I’m saying’, ‘Will everyone believe I’m smart?’, and ‘Why did I take this class? I don’t need it to graduate.’ It’s my turn to present. I begin discussing our approach, how we gathered the data, and our results. I said confidently, “This is an example of moderation,” and then, everyone gasped. I paused. Finally, someone said (not in our group), “Alaina, that’s incorrect, it’s actually mediation (not that it matters at this point).” My heart sank, my face flushed, and I was devasted. The feelings of inadequacy all came flooding in: ‘I don’t belong here, I don’t know what I’m doing, and I shouldn’t be here.” 

Talk about a crushing moment! I remember it vividly. It still haunts me from time to time. Now, I can laugh about it. Have you ever felt like your worth was tied to your achievements? While I still got an A in the class, mistakes like those stay etched in your mind. My deep-rooted issue is worthiness. I’m on a journey to change my mindset. I didn’t realize how much soul-searching it would take. The issue at hand, though, is how I connected my performance with worth and acceptance. God does not require us to earn His love. We earn grades, performance ratings, and the acceptance and attention from others based on our performance. I shudder at the thought of the time, I received a less than favorable performance review – that’s a totally different story to be shared at a later time.

When I fall short, which happens often, I feel an overwhelming need to make up for it by over-performing. I think if I do something extra special for someone, or read my bible for an extra 10 minutes, it will make up for my shortcomings. If I didn’t make amends, it seemed as if my prayers might go unanswered or be stripped of favor. I looked at God like some unforgiving being in the sky waiting to punish me. But I had to come to terms with the fact that thee issue was mine, not God’s. He loves me unconditionally, and no amount of works I could perform will change that. It is hard to wrap my head around that. Growing up, my dad praised me when I earned good grades and when I obeyed I avoided discipline (and spankings). If my dad accepted me when I was good, it meant I worthy. The feeling of acceptance and feeling good about it set the stage of me yearning for more. So, why did I need to transform my thinking?  

I joined Corporate America and set goals for myself to accomplish great things. And, I did. I implemented initiatives across the entire company of 200,000 people or more. I became an Executive Director. On the outside, I appeared confident and reassured. But on the inside, I was vulnerable, terrified that I would be discovered. I focused on the negative aspect of any mistake. I thought that people would not accept me if I wasn’t perfect. I know it doesn’t make sense, but if you’ve gone through your life achieving great things, when you fall short, you tend ask yourself if the non-accomplishing you is enough. Who am I without the accomplishments? Will people like me once they figure out I’m not perfect? It’s funny to think that way but I know people who feel this way a lot. Thinking that way brings them to doing somethings that on the surface might seem extreme but in reality, they are doing what they think they should. We are an accomplishment-driven society. 

The thoughts I had in my Stats class moment, are loud at times, ‘You don’t belong here’, ‘You are not enough’, ‘You are weak’, ‘You are X’. But God has shown me something liberating. God does not require me to be anyone except the person willing to follow Him and join Him in changing the world. God showed me that I cannot earn my salvation but instead, through Jesus, I receive salvation. God is not some punitive being in the sky waiting to punish me as soon as my foot slips. 

My accomplishments are not connected to my worth or identity. Your accomplishments are not connected to your worth or identity. I’m not saying do not focus on accomplishments or goals. I am saying do your best, reach for the stars, and focus on the remarkable and unique things about you. Be comfortable with mistakes, it shows you’re human. The challenge is getting to a place where you correct your mistakes sooner, forgive yourself quicker, and catch yourself before you attach your mistakes to your self-worth or identity (Jamie Kern Lima). What about you? Have you experienced feeling like the ones I described? I encouraged a friend recently to search for her greater purpose. In my coaching practice, I ask clients about their dreams. What are your dreams?  If you’ve discovered what that is, then, is there anything else you feel tugging at your heart? Leave a comment below.

#MistakesandGrace #Self-Worth #LoveYourself #FlourishMindset